Letters to Master
by dariachenowith
Summary: A yearning, a way to explore that itch that needs to be scratched. Daily drabble BDSM fic. AU/AH/OOC, E/B, rated M for pretty much everything.
1. The Profile

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. If kink isn't your thing, don't read. Above all else, don't judge.**

**This one's for me.**

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**1: The Profile**

I hesitate.

I really want to do this. I've thought about it for so long, I've planned and plotted, created a whole new online identity for myself - and always, at this point, I lose faith and close the browser window.

Only this time, I click the button. 'Submit', it reads, which make me snort and smile.

There's still a profile to fill out, and a long questionnaire. I have to look up so many things, some of them scare me, others make me want to touch myself so badly.

Another click, the deed is done. I flee, and wait impatiently.


	2. 81

**Thank you all for your kind words!**

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**2: 81**

Cocks, cocks, cocks, wherever I look are cocks!

Not that I mind cocks, both looking at them or other things, but who puts a cock as their profile picture?

Am I the weirdo here? Should I feel like their cock is a sure sign to trust them to respect me, while doing their worst?

Should I have used a pic of my vagina instead of a semi flattering shot of my face, mildly obscured for a reason?

Yet message 56 of 81 isn't from a dick, and reads, "If you're still looking, please reply."

I do. Now I wait anxiously.


	3. Smile

**I'm humbled by your response.**

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**3: Smile**

While I wait for a reply, I scan his profile, again.

I'm intimidated by his list, many of the things I had to look up before - and asked myself, 'who wants to do this?' - are checked as 'been there, done it all, had a blast.'

His photo is at odds with the mental picture in my mind. Tall, handsome, smiling, with sunglasses obscuring his eyes, the open sky as a backdrop. 'Charming' comes to mind.

I venture on, scroll through his friends. Lots of women, tall, beautiful, smiling. I falter a little, just as his reply comes in.


	4. Reply

**I love your wonderful reviews!**

**Because I've heard it several times now - I have a WIP I started 2 weeks ago going right now that FFn botched to notify some people of. So if you want some more normal-sized fodder in between drabbles, head over to 'Popular'. **

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**4: Reply**

"Tell me about yourself. What do you want? Of me?"

Is this a job interview?

"I'm probably not the woman you're looking for," I try myself at humor. "I'm not exactly a size 4." Or 8, for that matter.

Three minutes go by, my eyes fixed on the screen, nerves bare. Then, his reply.

"If I wanted to date a supermodel, I'd have signed up for another site. Why not send me a picture? Please?"

Feeling brave, I take one with my phone, sweat pants and greasy hair included, then hesitate.

"Only if you send me one of your cock."


	5. Picture

**Thank you, thank you, thank you!**

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**5: Picture**

Oh my god, I can't believe I typed that! Sent that!

I don't know what I dread more, a reply or none!

He sends two, pictures attached.

The first, the one I asked for, right down his sweat pants -he's going commando. The other, of him holding a sheet of paper, 'Srsly?' scrawled on it. But he is laughing, and so am I. I send back a picture of said laugh, my cheeks aflame, 'Sorry' as subject.

"I love the shine in your eyes," he replies. Then, "I wonder how they look when you're chocking on my cock?"

Unf!


	6. Overpriced

**LtM got rec'd by TU! Squee!**

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**6: Overpriced**

Our entire exchange can't have lasted more than ten minutes so far, but already I know: I really want to meet him.

He's not what I expected, but considering the barrage of cocks that's a good thing.

What makes me type, "Subject: joking about choCking", and end with, "Wanna meet tomorrow?" is - besides me being high on my own bravery's supply - that he's human, and has a sense of humor.

His reply, soon: "At a very public, terribly overpriced place?"

Laughing, I send him the address of a coffee shop I've always wanted to try.

Now I'm scared, and elated.


	7. Hair and Coffee

**Thank you for your wonderful words! Here are mine.**

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**7: Hair and Coffee**

I'm nervous, terrified even.

I'm sure that my blouse is too revealing, the jeans too plain, I should have put on more make-up, my hair is weird, my teeth are stained, my breath must stink of coffee, and what was I thinking? What am I doing here, meeting a total stranger to -

I force my train of thought and panic to slow down before it derails, and take a calming breath. This is just two people talking, nothing more, nothing less.

My heart still hammers in my chest as I watch him approach.

"Bella, I presume?" He smiles.

"Edward."


	8. Gift and Message

**I keep repeating myself, but the message stays the same: Thank you!**

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**8: Gift and Message**

No picture could have captured what fascinates me the most as I stare at him.

His eyes.

It's not their color, but their expressiveness that draws me in. They smile, laugh, investigate, intimidate, reassure, all at the same time.

I'm struck mute, my bravery has fled with my voice. He doesn't seem to mind, although I feel like those eyes are taunting me a little. Then, he extends his hand across the table, offers me - a rose. A homegrown red rose, with thorns and kinks, imperfections - the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I smile, hesitantly, as I accept it.


	9. Afraid

**Thank you! You continue to humble and amaze me! I'm trying hard to catch up to review replies this weekend (or at least reply to the new ones) - so if there's anything you want my reaction to, shoot!**

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**9: Afraid**

"There's no need to be afraid of me," he says, the silence between us uncomfortable now.

"I'm not afraid. Of you," I huff, although it's not entirely true. He raises his brows, doubting, and I screw my eyes shut.

"I'm more afraid of myself." I open them again, because I need to see his reaction. "I'm afraid of what I want. Need. Crave." What I think of myself for wanting that.

Amusement lights up his eyes and curls his lip. His hand is warm as he takes mine, reassuring.

"You tell me what you want. I'll worry about the rest."


	10. Want

**Thank you! I love that you want more, and longer, chapters, but drabbles are by definition 100 words in length, and I don't intend to deviate from that.**

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**10: Want**

"What I want." I stop, swallow thickly. My first impulse is to look away, shy, cringing, but I force myself not to.

"Is to be tied up." That one's easy.

"To be hurt." That one, not so much.

"To be utterly helpless." That is the hardest by far.

I'm still not comfortable with feeling the way I do, and voicing my desires comes with a wave of insecurity that chokes me like a firm hand around my throat. He doesn't flinch, frown, grimace, but rubs his thumb over the back of my hand.

"I have absolutely no problem with that."


	11. Yes

**Added disclaimer: I'd never even dare think about owning Faust!**

**Thank you! **

**I'm a little disappointed that we've only made it 10 chapters until the first prejudiced remark, let's not do that again, shall we?**

**German readers might read part of the last line as, "Meine Ruh' ist hin, mein Herz ist schwer;" ;)**

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**11: Yes**

After my admission - confession, really - I feel like an immense weight has lifted from my chest.

The levity and humor that has dominated our written exchange now seeps into our verbal one, soon leaving me laughing freely, and less nervous. There's not much I can tell him about my own experience - porn, books, imagination can't live up to hands-on doing - but I avidly listen to his anecdotes. I've almost let my guard down when he asks,

"When do you want to turn fantasy into reality? Friday?"

_My peace is gone, My heart is heavy_ - and my answer is, "Yes."


	12. Thoughts

**Once again, your amazing feedback blows me away! THANK YOU!**

**Sorry that I had to skip a couple of days, but it was either impossible in the evenings, or highly inadvisable in the mornings. Drinking with Russians in Germany does that to me. Now that I'm 'one of the guys' I may resume drabbling, though.**

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**12: Thoughts**

I've waited years to get to the point where I'm now - to admit to myself what I want, to ask someone to realize it - and now I feel like things are moving too fast.

At the same time, waiting for Friday seems like several lifetimes of endlessness.

I'm hopeful, scared, put off by my own brashness, and excited by it.

The only thing keeping me sane is his steady encouragement, yet whenever he calls, reason flees and a more primitive part of my mind takes over.

Still, I keep asking myself: do I really want this? Should I want this?


	13. Can I?

**The usual. You own me!**

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**13: Can I?**

Thursday evening I'm excited. I can do this.

Friday afternoon I panic. I just can't. I'm hyperventilating, sweating, nauseous.

I'm too chickenshit to call him, so I send him a text, ask if we can postpone our arrangement.

His reply, a single word._ "No."_

"No?"

_"Are you sick?"_

Feeling, yes, actually being, "No."

_"Did something happen to greatly distress you?"_

I asked a stranger to tie me up and fuck me. "No."

_"Then my answer remains the same. Either now, or never."_

I want to wail, sob, tear my hair out. I just can't.

_"You can do this."_

Can I?


	14. Virtue

**Sorry for being late, but between handing in assignments with 7 hrs to spare, and prepping for my London trip it was 1AM again before I got to sit down to write. I hope I won't miss updates again, but if I get lost between pints of Strongbow and pie, I'll be back by Sunday!**

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**14: Virtue**

His belief in me instills a kind of confidence I haven't experienced before.

I'm still scared, but cowardice has turned from virtue to failure; I feel like the only thing I can do wrong is turn my back on this now.

I know that with my safeword - 'red' - I have a safety net that shields me against all eventualities, safe my own stupidity.

I still hesitate, because I'm not yet done stalling.

"I don't know what to wear."

_"That really doesn't matter."_

"Why?" There must be expectations. Prerequisites.

_"Because the moment I'll get my hands on you, you'll be naked."_


	15. Inbetween

**Thank you for your wonderful feedback!**

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**15: In-between**

I stare at the door of the club with trepidation. It's everything I've expected, and the polar opposite. Same goes for the people entering and leaving - they wear lots of black and leather, but also red, blue, green, everything in-between.

I wouldn't be here if 'here' had been his home, but now I wonder if keeping this just between the two of us wouldn't have been better. Less embarrassing.

Before I can run off, he accosts me across the street, wearing jeans, a duffle bag, a bright smile.

"Ready to go in?"

Never, but I can't admit that.

"Yes."


	16. Theme

**As before, thank you! Please don't think you're the only one who's in need of more than a meager 100 words a day!**

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**16: Theme**

I'm positively vibrating with tension as we step inside. His hand on my lower back steadies me as much as it pushes me forward, I'm depending on both.

The private room he guides me to is labeled 'Dungeon', which is hilarious until I realize it's meant as in 'medieval'. My nervousness makes me giggle at the weathered looking decor, although what passes for furniture looks fairly new, and sanitized, as the stickers say.

I know we won't be using half of what's on display, but panic grips me nonetheless. Until he turns me around, and looks deep into my eyes.


	17. Nod, nod, nod

**I realize this must have gotten boring for some, but I hope I'll be able to rekindle your interest soon. My gratitude goes to those who've stuck with me.**

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**17: Nod, nod, nod**

"You know that I won't do anything you don't want me to do."

Not a question, but I still nod.

"You remember what we've talked about? What I'm going to do to you?"

Nod. Swallow thickly, suppress the need to rub my thighs together.

"There are no expectations that you need to meet. If anything goes wrong, you will use your safeword."

Deep breath, another nod.

He smiles, then steps back, leaving me on my own, shaking.

"Any last words?"

His wry tone makes me giggle, and shake my head. Humor flees me when his stare becomes more intense.

"Strip."


	18. Out of sight

**Awed, humbled, overjoyed is what I am. Thank you! This one's my favorite so far!**

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**18: Out of sight**

My breath comes in fast, ragged bursts. I'm sweating, my skin is prickling with goose bumps.

I expect to be uncomfortable, mortified even, to stand completely naked in front of him, but I can't focus on anything, can't think.

The way he's looking at me, staring, unabashed, immoral; It burns me, right down to my very soul.

Then, he's gone, stalking out of sight. I feel myself go rigid with anticipation, dread making my vision swim.

Suddenly, his hands on my breasts, rough, kneading; his body pressed against mine, rough denim against my thighs.

I moan. He laughs, softly. Darkly.


	19. Finally

**You keep making my day! Thank you!**

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**19: Finally**

"You are here for a single purpose - to please me," he whispers, sending a visceral shudder through my body. I nod, incapable of giving a verbal answer.

Another harsh squeeze, and he's gone, but only to replace his hands with rope - above, below, between, around my breasts, anchored at my back. The roughness of hemp is unfamiliar, the building pressure enticing.

Padded cuffs are buckled around my wrists and ankles, attached to a rope suspended from the ceiling, connected to a spreader bar between my legs.

My breath catches in my throat. I'm completely helpless now, at his mercy.

_Finally._


	20. Relish

**TY, TY, TY! Almost at 1k, you continue to amaze me!**

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**20: Relish**

The paddle hits my ass cheek, hard. It hurts. HURTS.

The next slap is worse, the one after even more so. I wince.

What did I expect? I can't remember, but I'm not really comfortable with this. Having to balance on my toes doesn't help.

Have I made a mistake?

The forth slap with the paddle says, yes.

My mulish stubbornness says, no.

My unease must be obvious, he switches the paddle for a flogger.

Still hurts - pain always will - but this is different. My mind says, no, but my body, yes.

I feel myself relax, relish, yearn for more.


	21. Fan the flames

**More is what you ask for, and more is what I'm willing to give! You're incredible!**

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**21: Fan the flames**

He pushes me as far as I think I can stand, then a little further. Just when I'm about to cave he stops, leaving my mind and body reeling. I just want more, need more, and with every second that he doesn't touch me I get more desperate.

He walks around me so that we're face to face now. How can he still be so calm, cool, collected, when I'm a mess?

A sob of gratitude tears itself from me when his fingers push into me, instantly fanning the flames consuming me.

All that's left for me is to beg.


	22. Incinerated

**One month, 1k reviews, and so much excitement for just 2000 words! In every way, this has surpassed my expectations. And you made it happen! Thank yoooouuuuu!**

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**22: Incinerated**

"Please!"

My eyes are open wide, so I see the corner of his mouth twitch.

"Please what?"

"Please let me come!"

As if there was anything else in the world I could ask for right now.

He purses his lips, furrows his brow, considering.

I know the answer before he gives it, from the glint in his eyes, that delicious cruelty that almost breaks me on its own.

"No."

I want to plead, cry, shout, even demand - but he just steps away from me, his fingers slipping out with a wet sound, and I'm left exhilarated, unfulfilled, frustrated, ecstatic, incinerated.


	23. Levity

**You continue to amaze me!**

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**23: Levity**

I stagger as spreader bar and cuffs come off, dizziness hitting briefly when I have to support my own weight. He's there to catch me, steady me, lend me strength that, until a moment ago, I haven't known I need.

He tries to pull away, but I cling to him, can't let go, yet.

"Are you okay?"

I nod into his shoulder.

"You're doing great. Ready for the fun stuff?"

That makes me laugh.

Why do I have to laugh? Am I even allowed to? Do I care?

He doesn't seem to, because he's grinning. I nod. Now, I am.


	24. Oh

**And after this brief intermission, we are back! Thank you so much!**

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**24: Oh**

I don't like this new position - on my back, arms fastened to the chest harness underneath me, legs spread, raised, tied somewhere above and behind me. I feel like a trussed up whale, with my bound, slightly reddish tits sticking up obscenely. I can't breathe evenly.

It only gets worse when he pulls off his shirt and saunters over to me. He's not exactly ripped, but definitely fit. Unlike me.

If I could I would have cringed as he slaps my inner thigh, his hand remaining there.

"I love seeing you like that."

Humiliated? Mortified?

"Completely at my mercy."

Oh.


	25. Mess

**As always, thank you, thank you, thank you! I've posted a message on my blog - dariachenowith (dot) blogspot (dot) com - with background info, pictures, and my contingency plan regarding the recent deleting wave. I'm also on facebook and twitter, if you want to get in touch.**

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**25: Mess**

I like the way his hand feels when it comes down hard on my thighs.

I love the way his fingers feel, fucking my pussy.

Not even the return of the paddle can faze me after he tongues my clit for a few seconds.

I'm a happily shaking, sobbing, needy mess, and the last thing on my mind is how I must look.

Then, two well-lubed fingers in my ass, instant agony, like a switch flipped.

Shit. _Shitshitshitshit!_

Breathe, I have to remember to breathe!

I expect compassion in his eyes, but he's angry.

"Anything you'd like to explain?"


	26. Deal with

**If you haven't yet read my blog post, please do! - dariachenowith (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**

**You're the best, thank you so much! Because I flunked updating yesterday, you'll get two drabbles today - first one now, second one in a couple hours!**

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**26: Deal with**

"Correct me if I'm wrong, you've never had a cock in your ass?"

Nod.

"We talked about this, remember? You knew this was going to happen."

Nod, again.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

He's almost yelling at me now, I want to dissolve on the spot.

"I ... I didn't want to seem like a complete novice."

"But you are a complete novice! Inexperience I can deal with; stupidity, not so much."

I hiss as one finger returns, but slowly, gently, soon taking the physical discomfort away, but not the emotional. Tears of pain have turned to ones of shame.


	27. Choice

**You keep amazing me! Here's your treat!**

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**27: Choice**

His anger lessens, his frown disappears, but my chagrin remains. It must be obvious, because he stops, leans closer, stares deep into my eyes.

"You know, there's an easy way out if that really bothers you."

Easy? There's nothing easy about what he's suggesting.

I keep screwing up every which way possible, and this is not how I want my first scene to go down.

But now the seed is planted, keeps growing, stretches its tendrils all through my mind and body.

What sways me is that he suggests, not demands. It remains my choice alone.

"Please punish me, Sir?"


	28. Absolution

**Sorry for the haphazard schedule, blame statistics and hiking! I do.  
Yesterday LtM got an amazing number of alerts - no idea why, but THANK YOU!  
As always, my deepest gratitude to those who stick.**

**There's a new BDSM 101 post on my blog - dariachenowith (dot) blogspot (dot) com**

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**28: Absolution**

"You know what this is for?"

I gasp, wince, almost cry out, nod. Twenty down, thirty more to go.

"Because I lied!"

My thigh is red, gets redder, still. The pain, harsh as it is, feels nothing like before.

"Because you abused my trust."

His words sting a thousand times more than the paddle.

I feel so stupid. Worthless. No, worthy of just two things: scorn and rejection.

The pain continues, swells, banishes anything else from my mind.

Then - relief. Sweet, sweet relief.

Not just because it's over, my mind silent while my body is still aflame.

Sweet, sweet absolution.


	29. Reeling

**You guys, I'm insanely happy that LtM got featured on the Perv Pack's Smut Shack's Lemon Report this Tuesday! Words, indeed, fail me. Thankfully, I typed this drabble up before I checked.**

**If you haven't yet read it - new BDSM 101 - Safewords post on my blog - dariachenowith (dot) blogspot (dot) com**

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**29: Reeling**

My mind is reeling, my body shaking from everything, and all I can do is watch - as he shoves down his pants - puts on a condom - steps up to me.

A fleeting thought flits across the madness - this is entirely different from our get-to-know-you pic-down-your-sweatpants moment.

Then he reaches around my leg, grabs my hip, and thrusts into me.

And keeps going right away.

I've had rough sex before, but not like this. Never like this. And somehow, the discomfort, pain adds to it.

I'm in Heaven. Hell. Purgatory. Fuck this shit, I AM!


	30. Calm

**Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! Siege-breakers rejoice!**

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**30: Calm**

Of course, he soon has me begging.

Of course, his answer, "No."

I keep on pleading, moaning, crying, praying - and at the last possible moment, when I'm sure that I can't hold back - salvation.

"Come!"

I do.

I withe and scream, fulfilled, happy. Alive.

Calm is a long way still, but I slowly relax as the ties come off, leaving muscles sore, my body tired, drained. Still grinning like a maniac, I watch as he paws my aching tits, pretends to ease the light sting of the rope marks.

Out of the blue, I start sobbing, and don't know why.


	31. Close

**You continue to amaze me! Thank you!**

* * *

**31: Close**

Hands, on my cheeks, tipping my head up, gently.

"Are you okay?"

His voice is soothing, doesn't sound concerned, just curious.

I laugh - a terrible sound between sobs - and try to pull away.

"I'm fine! I don't know why... I just..."

"Come 'ere."

He smiles, then pulls me close. I resist his embrace for a second, but melt against him when I feel his warm arms around me.

We're both sweaty, gross, and now I'm adding tears and snot to the mix, and he doesn't seem to care. After a while, neither do I.

Eventually, I calm down, feel safe.


	32. Prevail

**Thank you! It's great to know that there are such wonderful, supportive people out there!**

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**32: Prevail**

Come midnight, I'm finally home, sinking heavily against my door.

I'm exhausted, elated, still can't believe what I've done tonight. Agreed to do, again, another night.

We've talked for hours after cleaning up, although I'm not sure I made much sense. One thing I remember quite vividly -

"Are you still mad at me?" I hedged, about to cringe again.

He frowns, confused for a second.

"I was never mad at you. You just needed to learn a lesson, and better now when stakes are low."

I still feel foolish, temporary absolution notwithstanding. But excitement prevails. I want more. Need more.


	33. Inbox

**As usual, you are amazing! Sorry for the skip, blame ANOVA and linear regression, if you will! I do. If you don't behave, you might get another one later today.**

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**33: Inbox**

The morning after, I take inventory.

I find a couple of light bruises - fingerprint shaped most - at my boobs and ass. My thighs are still tender, and I have sore muscles all over my legs and, weirdly, stomach. It hurts to stretch, but otherwise, I'm fine.

More than fine, really, and horny as hell.

I'm almost happy to be called in to work at noon, otherwise I'd have chafed myself raw on my own fingers. Not that I can concentrate, not entirely. But it takes my mind off things - until I get another message in my inbox. That other inbox.


	34. Ponder

**For all the misbehaving girls out there!**

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**34: Ponder**

The message isn't from Edward, and I'm surprised how much that bothers me.

Although I've quit my search, StrictSirSteven42 apparently feels the need to inform me that he's looking for a 'true submissive,' and if I realize what I'm missing in my life, he'd be happy to talk to me about 'ownership.'

My first reaction - confusion, soon superseded by unease - eventually lets me ponder what I really want.

As mind blowing as last night's experience was, I feel like something was missing. Not at the time, but now I can't ignore it anymore. If I just knew what?


	35. Polite

**Sorry for the delay, but being morose, then stressed, then on vacation, kept me from you!**

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**35: Polite**

Once home, I decline the offer - politely, but firmly.

Edward and I don't have any kind of exclusivity agreement, but keeping up with one guy screwing with my mind and body is enough for me. Still, there's no reason not to keep my options open, for later.

I don't expect a reply, and likely won't get one.

Ten minutes later, my phone rings. I feel a smile tug up the corners of my mouth when I see the name on the display.

We chat a bit, exchange pleasantries. Then, the important question:

"What do you wanna do next weekend?"


	36. Crack

**Thank you all so much for the warm welcome back! Just, you know, don't challenge me to prove - yet again - how non-canon I write. Predictability is not my strong suit!**

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**36: Crack**

I hesitate, falter, then rush forward, even though finding the right words seems impossible.

"I want to submit to you. More actively than, you know, letting you do things to me."

I cut off, afraid that rambling on will just make me sound like a madwoman.

The silence, though only moments long, is deafening.

I crack.

"I really, really liked what we did last time. But maybe we could do something more, ah, emotionally challenging?"

Now that doesn't sound stupid at all. With my eyes screwed shut I wait for him to hang up on me.

"Please, say something? Anything?"


	37. Good humor

**Thank you everyone for your patience and support!**

**As most of you probably know by now, FFn's new review system yields a lot of anonymous reviews. Please make sure you're logged in when you review, and/or sign your reviews so I know who they are from. I'm a burned child when it comes to anon comments, and I'm seriously considering no longer updating on this site if I cannot keep people from spewing their hateful anonymous shit all over my stories.**

**Someone left me a TON of reviews this week, and I'd really like to reply to a couple points they made, but as I have no idea who you are, I sadly cannot say anything except Thank you!**

**As a note to last chapter: speechlessness did not happen, and most Doms find vulnerability very off-putting unless it happens in direct reaction to their actions. Insecure, vulnerable subs are prone to mess up. Outspoken honesty is key.**

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**37: Good Humor**

He clears his throat, and when he talks, his voice is laced with good humor.

"So what we did last time isn't enough for you anymore?"

My mind goes blank, I reply the first thing that comes to mind.

"Yes."

Then hate myself for it, want to take it back, instantly.

"Good."

Good?

"Good?"

Surprise is an understatement.

"I wanted to show you the ropes, not push you beyond your limits, so yes, wanting more is good."

Relief is palpable. Until he goes on.

"How much do you trust me?"

"A lot?"

"Enough to come over to my place?"

Thud.


	38. When and where

**THANK YOU! **

* * *

**38: When and where**

"Only with a safe call."

Which I should probably have used before, but the semi public setting of the club had let me avoid having to tell someone what I'm still not comfortable telling everyone.

"Of course. You and me both."

"Both?"

What does he need a safety net for?

"Because I'm inviting a woman I've only met twice to my home?"

"Don't you trust me?"

"I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't. But we use condoms, too, right?"

I'm a hypocrite, and I know it.

I also know that I trust him.

"When do you want me where?"


	39. Fret

**THANK YOU! **

* * *

**39: Fret**

Almost a week is a long time - to plan, negotiate, dream - and above all else, fret.

What I really fret about is what I have to explain to my best friend.

Carmen's eyes are full of laughter when we meet for a drink Wednesday night.

I hedge and squirm, until she pins me down, verbally.

"Spit it out, tease!"

More hedging and squirming ensues, until -

"What do you do Saturday evening?"

A sigh, disappointed.

"Be a mother to my kids, you spoilsport!"

"So, if I call you a couple of times, you'll be there to pick up?"

* * *

**As you've probably heard, there's been a tragic accident at Comic Con, taking our dear mad4hugh away from her family and loved ones way too soon. I didn't personally know her, but she's been one of my most prolific reviewers for years, I feel like on some level I did know her a little.**

**I'd like to take the opportunity to say good-bye to her in my own way, by contributing to the compilation to support her family at fandom4twifang dot blogspot dot com, with a o/s outtake of LtM. We're not that far into the story yet, but I figured their first meeting over coffee would be a conversation worth writing in full.**

**G, you will be missed. RIP.**


	40. Fiend

**THANK YOU! The fact that you're still here means the world to me!**

* * *

**40: Fiend**

Her eyes narrow, calculation heavy in her gaze.

"What's going on?"

I inhale shakily, then push forward. I can't tell her everything, because I'm a wuss, but I have to tell her enough.

"There's this guy I've been seeing-" - among other things.

Carmen laughs.

"You dirty slut! Good for you!"

"I'm not a slut!"

Well, I am, and kind of proud about it, but that's not the point.

She huffs. I slide a card with his contact info across the table. She reads, grins.

"So I'll file this away under 'Bella's dirty sex fiend,' right?"

Fiend, my ass.


	41. Shake

**TY, TY, TY!**

* * *

**41: Shake**

The rest of the week flies by.

Saturday crawls, worse so as I have to work until 5.

A client calls at 4, I can't leave on time.

At 5:30 I get nervous. At 6 I freak. At 6:30 I flee.

I barely have time to call a cab, call Carmen, shower, and get dressed.

My hands are shaking as I slide into the backseat of the cab.

My entire body is shaking when I get out again.

With only three minutes to spare, I have no time to hesitate.

I ring the bell, then almost run away.


	42. Open

**TY, TY, TY!**

**Sorry about the delay, blame my obsession with hack & slay.**

* * *

**42: Open**

On my way up, I mentally review our agreement again.

Unlike last time, I don't know what's going to happen - entirely. His suggestion, my choice.

What I do know is the list he gave me to tick off.

No - verbal humiliation, choking, any form of mental predicament where there's no way for me not to mess up.

Yes - impact play, sex (oral, vaginal, anal), bondage, servitude.

I get wet just thinking of that, while my heart beats a mile a minute.

I also know that we'll start the moment I enter his domain.

The door is open.


	43. On my knees

**Thank you everyone for being so patient with me!  
If you want to know more about what I'm up to right now, there's a link on the blog!**

* * *

**43: On my knees**

I enter.

He's waiting for me inside, dressed business casual - dress slacks and shoes, button-down shirt with sleeves rolled up. His face is serious, gaze intent on me.

I close the door, swallow hard, wait for his command.

"Whenever you come here, you will only wear what is set aside for you."

He gestures at a cupboard. It's empty.

He raises his brows, waits.

I'm out of my clothes in under a minute, straighten.

After only a glance, he turns away, towards the living room. I hesitate, he stops.

"On your knees."

He moves. I follow. On my knees.


	44. Examination

**I know it's been a while, thanks for sticking with me!**

**I'd like to dedicate this story to the wonderful K, who's pretty much the reason why you'll get a chapter a day until we're done!**

* * *

**44: Examination**

I only get a glance at his apartment, my focus remains on him. Very modern, very spartan, very him.

He stops at the couch, sits down. I remain kneeling before him, unsure what to do, my heart thudding in my throat.

"Present yourself."

His command confuses me for a second, then realization dawns. I spring into action, turn around, push my ass up while I spread my cheeks with my hands.

His fingers take their time exploring, checking, teasing. I pass his examination, did a thorough job shaving, cleaning.

I'm soaking wet, and knowing he knows excites me even more.


	45. Five items

**Thank you all so much! It's good to be back :) **

**2k reviews, you continue to amaze me!**

* * *

**45: Five items**

He keeps me right there, kneeling, facing away from him, for what feels like eternity. When he finally speaks I'm vibrating with tension.

"On the kitchen table you will find five items. Bring me two of them."

I wonder if he still wants me to crawl, but when I look at him, he makes a shooing upward motion.

I scramble to obey, fast.

The items are a flogger, butt plug, gag, blindfold, dildo.

I'm tempted to take my time, linger and fantasize, but his impatience makes me reach out impulsively.

Back with him, I offer him my choices. He smiles.


	46. Reassurance

**Again, you humble me with your overwhelming response! Thank you all so much!**

* * *

**46: Reassurance**

I feel self-conscious when he tells me to lay down across his thighs. Not because it leaves me exposed, but because half of my weight is on his legs now.

When he nudges me, I expect him to push me off, realize that he doesn't want me there, after all, but he only repositions me.

The blindfold comes on, my world is cast in darkness.

His hand comes down heavily, loudly, on my ass, stays. His fingers dig into my flesh, squeeze. Then he slaps me again, and again.

Pain should make me tense, but his silent reassurance relaxes me.


	47. Palpable

**Thank you all so much! Now on to item #2!**

* * *

**47: Palpable**

He only spanks me for a minute, but leaves my cheeks pulsing with warmth.

The contrast to the cool lube on my anus is palpable.

I let my head sink against my arms, tell myself to relax, give in. Memories of pain past intrude, interfere.

His fingers are as insistent as they are gentle, and before long he has me spread enough.

Last time, we switched to punishment at this point. Now, he takes the plug.

I expect physical resistance, but three gentle thrusts, and it's in, completely. I moan.

He spanks me, I moan again. And again. And again.


	48. Inseparable

**As always, you're the best!**

* * *

**48: Inseparable**

Before, the pain he has inflicted on me has been harsh, stark, instantaneous. Now, his rhythm is mesmerizing, the sensations he creates erotic.

I almost loathe the moment he pulls my legs apart to reach for my clit - but only almost.

Need - hot, demanding - races through me, combating the lull of pain-laced pleasure. I didn't know that they could be two distinct things, but now I do.

He keeps shifting the balance - need, pleasure, need, pleasure - until they intertwine, become inseparable. I want to writhe, but when I do, a harsh slap makes me still.


	49. Disoriented

**Thank you! **

* * *

**49: Disoriented**

I'm afraid I've angered him with my eagerness when he doesn't resume, then pushes me back down onto the floor. The blindfold disorients me, but he only lets go once I'm kneeling stably.

"Pleasure me."

Such an easy command, but it strums something deep inside of me, makes me clench around thin air and plug alike.

My fingers shake as I reach up, find his knees, then slide my hands over his thighs to discover the fly of his pants. He's hard, ready, eager even as I can tell when my skimming fingers find stickiness. And still, he patiently waits.


	50. Cherish

**I'd like to take a moment and thank all the wonderful people who leave reviews on every single chapter I post. You're beyond awesome! **

**The rest of you, you're 'just' awesome ;) THANK YOU!**

**If anyone's wondering, we still have 86 chapters to go.**

* * *

**50: Cherish**

I've never really enjoyed blow jobs. They've always felt too rushed, too selfish, too imbalanced.

Most give them because they expect reciprocation.

Some give them because they feel empowered.

What I am now is deeply aroused.

I take my time to explore the silky texture of his skin with my lips; I kiss, lick, tease with adoration, lose myself in the moment when I take him in for the first time. His soft moan is almost unassuming. Rid of sight, I'm forced to rely on touch alone, and cherish every second of it.

And I can tell, so does he.


	51. Resilience

**Because you're the best - a little treat for you all!**

**Happy Turkey Day to all who are not yet in food coma!**

* * *

**51: Resilience**

He lets me suck him off until my jaw hurts, my neck starts to cramp, and his resilience wears thin.

As much as I love pleasuring him, I love feeling him use me to reach climax even more.

The way he pushes me back, gets up, weaves his fingers through my hair while he fucks my mouth makes me respond on the same visceral level as the spanking has before.

By the time he finishes, warm spurts hitting my breasts, my body is alive with need.

I still force myself to calm down as I remain kneeling, waiting, yearning, wanting.


	52. Cooler

**Thank you all for your wonderful comments!**

* * *

**52: Cooler**

The blindfold keeps me oblivious as he pulls me to my feet, then leads me into another room. The air is slightly cooler, but not as cool as the satin sheets under my hands and knees as he pushes me onto the bed.

I remain kneeling, on all fours, while he ties my wrists together, and my legs spread apart.

The mattress dips ominously as he gets on the bed behind me.

I expect him to pull out the plug, and replace it with his cock.

Instead, the plug stays, and firm hands push my pussy down, towards his face.


	53. Blissful Hiss

**After spending way too much money on Black Friday deals (just because we here don't celebrate Thanksgiving doesn't mean I can't splurge online in UK stores!) here's your slightly late daily morsel! As usual, I love you for your support!**

* * *

**53: Blissful hiss**

Any other day, with any other man, I would have felt awkward in this position. But not tonight, not with him.

After all, I'm powerless, I submit to whatever he does to me - including licking me to orgasm, while his hands roam over my ass, back, and breasts.

But I can't submit without jerking my hips against him, earning a playful bite that turns my perpetual moans into a brief, blissful hiss.

I never want him to stop, but also don't want to ruin the moment with my eagerness, yet before I have to decide between either, he does.


	54. Miss a beat

**Thank you!**

* * *

**54: Miss a beat**

Being truly, deeply aroused turns his repeat spanking into something else. I know that he must be hitting me harder now, because every slap rocks my entire body, but it hurts less, spurns me on more. Whenever he misses a beat, I miss the sensations he creates. I want this to go on forever.

He catches me by surprise as he pulls out the plug, breaks the spell, makes me go still instantly.

Worked up as I am, I've almost forgotten to be afraid, but when I feel his thighs hot against mine now I can't help but be frightened.


	55. Wreck

**Thank you! Because it keeps coming up - safewords are for emergencies only, you don't abuse it when you're merely slightly uncomfortable! I know some of you are quite fond of always crying for it to be used - unless she's screaming like a stuck pig, or has a full-blown panic attack there's no reason for her to use it (and as you can see, in both cases he'd probably stop long before she managed to use it anyway). Let's face it, being uncomfortable / frightened / in light pain is part of the game!**

**If you feel you want to know more about safewords, please PM me! Like anyone who was ever in a position to have one, and even used it, I'm happy to talk about it.**

* * *

**55: Wreck**

"Easy now," he murmurs, his hand on my lower back supportive, calming.

I hang my head, square my shoulders, grit my teeth.

He waits for my protest, and when it doesn't come, he proceeds.

His cock is slick but warm when it pushes first against my anus, then inside.

More than pain, I feel the pressure, and it keeps mounting as he keeps pushing.

I tell myself that I want this, asked for it, chose it. I can't back down now.

And I don't have to, because he withdraws after I utter a single, pained groan.

Shit.

Defeat wrecks me.


	56. Barely

**Thank you! **

* * *

**56: Barely**

Tears wet the blindfold as he unties my ankles. I expect to be dismissed any minute now. He must realize that I'm a failure waiting to happen, again and again.

But no, my wrists stay bound, and he doesn't move away, just shifts us both until I feel him kneel more underneath than behind me.

His hand grabs my waist, pulls me down and back, until I'm almost flush against him. His right hand drops to his cock. He only aligns himself, barely penetrates me.

"I want you to fuck yourself on my cock," he whisper-growls into my ear.


	57. Forcefully

**Thank you! Your continuing support means a lot to me!**

* * *

**57: Forcefully**

I'm dumbstruck for a second, then react, and more forcefully so than I should.

My backwards jerk sheathes him firmly, up to his balls, inside my ass, making both of us wince - me in discomfort, him in sympathy.

The hand that previously held his cock wraps around me, holds me against him, and his chin rests on my shoulder. He kisses my neck and cheek softly while I loudly breathe through the pain.

This time, when I relax, it's of my body's volition, not my mind's futile command.

I rock my hips experimentally, feel friction - and like it.


	58. Cage

**During the last few weeks I've received some of the most beautiful comments thus far - thank you so much again!**

**Please, make sure you're signed in when you review - even more so when you asks questions. I can't reply if I have no clue who you are! Even better: PM me!**

* * *

**58: Cage**

The position is intimate, and grows even more so when his other hand roams from my hip to my breast, kneading softly, urging me on. And yet, my wrists are still bound, my body locked in the cage of his arms. He's my lover, and my captor, and still dictates my every move.

I roll my hips again, forward, back, feel him withdraw, push deeper into me. I rest my shoulder against his chest, give my pelvis more space to move.

Before long, I'm obeying his order, my pants as loud in the room as his are in my ear.


	59. Addled and confused

**Thank you!**

* * *

**59: Addled and confused**

"Tell me when you're ready to come," he rasps against my neck.

I want to, I really do, and my head is in the right place, but my body is now lagging behind.

His impatience is obvious in the way he holds me, touches me. I bite my lip, will myself to reach that point of no return faster now, but to no avail.

My desperation cuts through my innate reluctance, makes me utter a simple, "Please! I need-"

What is it that I need? My mind is too addled, too confused.

His hand drops between my legs.

He knows.


	60. Deepen gladly

**Thank you!**

* * *

**60: Deepen gladly**

His thumb circles my clit.

His fingers fuck my vagina in time with his cock fucking my ass.

His mouth ghosts across my neck, intersperses kisses with need filled moans.

Half a minute, and I'm gone.

This time, I know exactly what I'm asking for.

"Please let me come!"

For once, he does.

It's one of the best orgasms in my entire life, leaving me both content, and yearning for so much more.

He joins me halfway through my climax, and keeps holding me until we've both calmed down.

A gentle kiss against my lips, which I welcome, deepen gladly.


	61. Final

**Thank you! Here's a treat because you're the best audience in the world!**

* * *

**61: Final**

He's efficient in removing restraints and blindfold. I owlishly blink into the muted light hitting my eyes.

What will be next?

Round two? Respite? Talking?

Whatever I've expected, it's not hearing, "I've called a cab for you, it should be here in ten minutes," after he pushes the plug firmly back into my slightly sore ass.

Without another word he turns away, heads into the shower. The water comes on, sounding final.

I don't even feel rejected, I'm in shock as I go through the motions and redress.

I linger at the door, the water is still running. I leave.


	62. Floored

**So, now that at least 9 of you have personally offended me, let's get on with the show, shall we? Thank you for letting me know that I have more than 20 readers :)**

* * *

**62: Floored**

Once home, I still feel like I'm standing beside myself. My call to Carmen is brief, I promise to elaborate on Monday. Pity laces her voice as she wishes me good night.

I'm about to strip and head into the shower when my phone chirps.

'When you're home, sign into video chat.'

I'm still on autopilot, follow suit, but the hurt little girl inside of me is ready to throw a tantrum.

Connection established, I blankly stare at him. His hair is still damp, his lips are twisted with amusement.

"Exactly how mad are you at me?"

Floored, again.

* * *

**Please do not base your BDSM knowledge on what you've read in (inaccurate) fanfic only. "Typical in that sort of relationship" can be quite the slap in the face to those who are in that sort of relationship.**


	63. Glow

**Thank you! Those who still think he's "treating her like trash" - please read through chapters 1 - 60 again.**

* * *

**63: Glow**

"If anything, I'm mad at myself."

He inclines his head.

"Plug still inside?" I nod. "Show me."

I don't know why I'm doing this, but I obediently get up, kneel on the chair, raise my skirt, lower my panties.

"Good girl."

Why does his praise have to feel so good? Why do I smile when I turn back around? How can I hate myself, and glow with pride at the same time?

He seems apologetic, and I realize he knows exactly what's going on inside of me.

"I'm sorry that I kicked you out like that. It was a test."


	64. Words fail me

**Thank you! **

**Dear people who have never had (properly done) anal sex: you do not need someone to stick a finger in there afterwards, and if you feel you would like some discomfort eased: guess who's the person who knows best where what is aching? Yep, the one who got whatever shoved in there, not the shover. You need physical aftercare when you've been hung upside down for an hour, tied up like a pretzel. Not after a few spanks and what doesn't even amount to rough sex. As for the mental aspect of aftercare: guess what's going on right now?**

**And if you think that Bella is the one who does everything for Edward, who gives and gives and never receives - think how much patience, planning, effort, holding his own needs back for hers, and general caring must have gone into his actions. Perfect timing, good pacing, giving her what she asked for while preparing for any kind of accidental fallout - if you can't read between the lines, you should maybe stick to less complicated stories. It's a fact that (most) Doms are utterly selfless, while most subs roll in their selfishness. Don't let the role-playing facade blind you.**

* * *

**64: Words fail me**

"A test?" I echo lamely.

He nods.

"It wouldn't have been very submissive of you if you'd made a fuss. And not very human if you didn't feel rejected."

I don't know what to make of this. Part of me is awestruck by how easily he got under my skin, and loves it. Part of me is angry, and a little afraid.

"I won't do something like that again. Unless, of course, you want me to."

I shrug, incredibly uncomfortable.

"Do you?"

"Why don't you tell me exactly how tonight made you feel?"

I try, but words utterly fail me.

* * *

**Translation: I want someone who's really into this, who is willing to trust me, but I'd never play with a woman who's a pushover and who'd let me walk all over her.**


	65. Blog

**I'm about done ranting - if some on you insist on being narrow-minded, prejudiced morons who delight in ruining everyone's fun, be my guest! You're not worth the time and energy anyway.**

**I'd rather focus on the wonderful and amazing people out there! Thank you! :)**

* * *

**65: Blog**

I'm frustrated with myself, feel ready to cry, but before I can dissolve in front of the screen, he saves me - again.

"Or is it easier for you to write your feelings down?"

I shrug.

"I guess?"

He grins at my answering question, settles back in his chair.

"Create a blog. Your choice whether to set it to private or public, both have their advantage. Anonymous, of course. Just email me the link when you're done."

He signs off.

I hesitate, then jump into action.

An hour later the first entry is complete.

Blog Title - Letters to Master.


	66. Entry 1

**Surprise! Because you're made of awesome, a little extra ;)**

* * *

**66: Entry #1**

_When I stood at your door, I was so very eager._

_The lesson I learned today: humility. _

_The lesson I still need to learn: not let my insecurity interfere with trusting you._

_Last time, everything was full of need, tension, action, reaction._

_Tonight, I feel like you were completely in control of me. When I came over. When you let me kneel. When you spanked me. When you let me pleasure you. When you told me to fuck myself on your cock. When you told me to leave._

_I'm still wet thinking of your voice against my neck._

_Thank you._


	67. Set up

**3k! I'm stunned, really! Thank you!**

**And to those wonderful people who keep attacking me - anon reviews take 36 hrs until they clear the moderation queue. PMs and emails are never published. You don't know what's in my inbox just by browsing the last page of what sensible people say. But please, keep on kicking me. I clearly deserve it.**

**I keep forgetting adding this: there's a reason why I write in one POV only: no, you won't get the opposite one in this drabble.**

* * *

**67: Set up**

While I work through my feelings, I realize that I got exactly what I was asking for - and in retrospect, I enjoy even the parts that alienated me at first. It was only my fear of rejection that soured my mood, nothing he said or did.

I vow to stop sabotaging myself.

His reply, a lengthy email, I enjoy with my Sunday morning coffee.

His proposal: I set up a calendar of my daily routines, fill in blocks of important times - work and private - when I'm off limits. Any other time, he's free to take control.

Gulp.


	68. Repeatedly

**Happy Holidays!**

* * *

**68: Repeatedly**

I feel overwhelmed at first, but agree after staring at my screen for half an hour without finding the will to quit.

His first order: Keep the butt plug in while I clean my apartment. Masturbate after finishing each task, but I'm not allowed to come.

My ass is still a little tender, but I enjoy prepping and stretching myself.

I always hate cleaning, and my apartment usually requires lots of it.

At six everything is sparkling, and I'm a happy mess of need and frustration.

He tells me to sign in again, then watches me get myself off. Repeatedly.


	69. Closet

**Thank you all so much!**

* * *

**69: Closet**

I dread but also love going to work on Monday for a single reason: what he might have in store for me.

Most of the day passes without a message, leaving me somewhat disappointed.

Ten minutes before my official end of day: 'Find a semi-hidden spot, kneel for fifteen minutes, remember sucking me off.'

My pulse races as I hide in the office supplies closet down the hall. Someone could walk in on me any moment. Not that they'd realize what is going on - but I know.

When I leave, I'm soaking wet, and haven't even touched myself.


	70. Cocktails

**Thank you all so much!**

**Whoever left the anon broomstick comment (You are so funny!): "think about" does not equal "pretend" - hope that helps.**

* * *

**70: Cocktails**

Carmen is already waiting for me, armed with two cocktails.

This week, Monday is her 'me time' evening, we meet to catch up, laugh and bitch.

She's vibrating with sympathy, which quickly morphs into gleeful giggling when I keep raving about my best orgasm ever. My mood swings she ignores. She tries to fish for details, but I keep deflecting - she doesn't need to know that the glow on my face comes from aching knees and slight carpet burn alone. Still, it's wonderful to share my excitement.

Back home, I type another blog entry, marveling at my perverted mind.


	71. I know

**Thank you all so much!**

* * *

**71: I know**

On Tuesday, I get myself off in my office cubicle - twice - and love it, blushing deeply. No one notices.

On Wednesday, I'm wearing an embarrassingly short skirt, stay-ups, and no panties - and instead of feeling sexy, I feel like a fool. No one notices.

On Thursday, I'm wearing my sluttiest bra and panties, under a sleek, well-fitting pants suit - and love it. No one notices.

On Friday, I have to fuck myself with the plug until I'm highly aroused - hourly - then resume work as if nothing happened. No one notices.

But I fucking know.


	72. Dinner

**Thank you all so much!**

**Some of you were confused - ch. 71's list were assignments.**

* * *

**72: Dinner**

Saturday evening, I strip naked and kneel before him - and feel at home, at peace.

His inspection is very thorough. He instructs me on assuming different positions - for inspection, waiting, standing, kneeling.

He hasn't had dinner yet, so he eats it off my prone body on the kitchen table, while vibrators buzz away in my pussy and ass. Having my breasts flick-whipped with chop sticks almost makes me come. Being ordered to straddle and ride him, on the couch, does the job.

This time, I'm at ease when he sends me home, and spend the night writing away.


	73. New wardrobe

**Happy New Year!**

* * *

**73: New wardrobe**

New week, new tasks. The first: Dress Sexy.

It's the first task I protest, and earn myself a stern phone call in return. He tartly informs me that when I submit to him, it is his will, and his body now.

At the store check-out my face is burning brightly as I keep reciting my new mantra - his will, his body - and, as usual, no one cares.

At home, I feel empowered as I try on the new bras, garters, blouses, tailored suits and dress.

I love the confident woman who stares back at me in the mirror.


	74. 3S

**And after a brief break we're back!**

* * *

**74: 3S**

Task two: Sex Shop Shopping.

This time I don't protest, but working through my shopping list is a herculean task of avoiding instant combustion.

Additional task: set up my webcam so he can watch me where I spend half an hour kneeling, blindfolded, gagged, my wrists and ankles cuffed together behind my back, while I fuck myself on a dildo stuck to the floor with a suction cup.

Self-bondage makes me uneasy at first, but it's tantalizingly easy to tear off the velcro cuffs - and I come three times.

He's very pleased with my eagerness, and so am I.


	75. Build a routine

**Thank you! :)**

* * *

**75: Build a routine**

Task three: Build A Routine.

This one is tricky, mostly because it requires my input beyond his initial message.

He wants me to concoct quick rituals to include him in my daily life even when he isn't directly assuming control.

I come up with two, both efficiently frustrating.

In the morning, I have to kneel and masturbate, thinking of him, before I'm allowed to use the toilet, and start my day.

In the evening, I spank and fuck my ass until I'm all worked up.

Both, of course, without release.

He approves, a lot.

I really must be a masochist.


	76. Resume life

**Thank you! :)**

* * *

**76: Resume life**

Task four: Resume Life, as if nothing had changed.

This isn't actually a task, but more a thing of necessity, as he is away over the weekend for a business trip.

I'm surprised when I realize how much I miss our daily exchanges, and find myself constantly horny, worse even than in my teenage years.

I distract myself with amassing an insane amount of overtime at work, but it seems to be the only thing that can keep my fingers out of my panties.

When I'm even wearing any, and am not pretending to be a naughty girl in garters.


	77. I'm back

**Thank you! :) And this actually *is* the chapter title I settled on long before I had to take yet another break from posting. Creepy.**

* * *

**77: I'm back**

It is ten at night on a work day, and all it takes to abandon all plans and show up on his doorstep is a single message:

'I'm back.'

My motions are jumpy as I strip, I mess up my position. I get punished for neglecting my grooming and prepping, but I can tell that he's not into it when he's already tearing off his clothes and putting on a condom before he has reached twenty stinging swats on my ass.

The sex is animalistic, rough, without sense or reason or control - and leaves us both grinning happily.


	78. Stricter guidelines

**Thank you so much! I can't tell you how great it is to be back :)**

* * *

**78: Stricter guidelines**

The next day, I find a new message in my inbox, after he must have read my despair-filled weekend blog posts.

Subject: New rules.

I swallow thickly, then excitedly read on.

Essentially, he is proud of our progress, and wants to establish stricter guidelines for me.

No longer am I bound by his direct orders only, but he's proposing additional rules.

Some of them make no sense, some of them are disasters waiting to happen.

Part of me wants to eagerly accept, blindly, but I force my mind out of my soaked panties, and negotiate. An hour later, we agree.


	79. The rules

**Thank you so much!**

* * *

**79: The rules**

Exclusivity.

No orgasms, unless explicitly allowed - the hardest rule by far.

At all times am I to be aware of being his, and as such I have to take better care of myself - dress accordingly, clean thoroughly, prep constantly.

I keep up with morning and evening rituals, but have to bring myself to the cusp of climax each time - unfulfilled, of course.

We extend our play time to twice a week - unscheduled - with an optional third time allowance.

I am to sleep in the nude, my wrists tied with my velcro cuffs.

Life is perfect.


	80. Forgot

**Thank you so much!**

* * *

**80: Forgot**

The first obstacle I run into does not even concern the rules - it's my leniency's fault.

I forgot to update my schedule.

Panicked, I call him when he orders me to come to his apartment, but I have to go to an after-work cocktail party.

He lectures me sternly - the worst part of punishment - then sends me off with my ass stuffed with an inflatable butt-plug - the pump-ball still attached, hidden underneath my skirt.

I die of humiliation for hours, and sob uncontrollably when he flogs me mercilessly afterwards.

I slink home feeling small, but relieved.


	81. The upside

**Thank you so much!**

* * *

**81: The upside**

Except that single faux-pas, I excel at keeping within his guidelines.

In my submissiveness, I find confidence and strength, something that no diet could have granted me.

No longer do I hesitate and squirm when I strip, and I start to appreciate him simply watching me - kneel, stand, pleasure him, pleasure myself, sex.

The insufferable blushing remains, but shame gets exceedingly replaced by excitement for its cause.

It is strange that it takes him appreciating me for me to be able to appreciate myself - but it is a side-effect of my journey that I treasure deeply.

He approves.


	82. The downside

**Thank you so much!**

* * *

**82: The downside**

I can tell he gets frustrated with my underlying smugness when I don't break the rules again.

It's my own silent gloating's fault that he starts setting me up with tasks I can impossibly accomplish - unless I overcome my inhibitions and insecurities.

It takes a week to recover from a client noticing my lack of underwear under the indecently tight, short skirt I wear for the presentation - but I land the construction contract.

My face burns for hours after I pull up my blouse and ask a delivery guy whether he finds my breasts appealing - he does.


	83. Vixen

**Thank you for being a great audience! Starting tomorrow, things will get interesting ;)**

* * *

**83: Vixen**

The people at work notice the change in me, but Carmen is the first to comment on it.

We are sitting in a bar, and the waiter is shamelessly flirting with us. Carmen has always loved attention, and usually soaks up harmless moments like these.

Only this time she barely gets a word in edgewise because gone are the days of the blushing wallflower, replaced by the still blushing vixen.

"Good for you," she comments when I admit that I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. "That sex fiend of yours must really be giving you a great workout."

If she only knew.


	84. Wherever, whenever, whatever

**Because you're the best - chapter 84 a little early! Thank you!**

* * *

**84: Wherever, whenever, whatever**

Days turn into weeks that turn into months. Three, to be exact, when I get a phone call from him - unusual, as his MO is to text me.

"Are you free tonight?"

"Of course." I think of playtime, but he reveals his true intent.

"It's for a business dinner, with you as my plus one."

I hesitate, but agree. If he wants me there, I'm happy to oblige. Wherever, whenever, whatever.

"Shall I come to your place?"

"Your address is on the way, I'll pick you up. See you in twenty!"

Why am I giddy all of a sudden?


	85. Sigh

**Thank you! It bears repeating, they usually meet 2-3 times a week to play, so it's not like they don't get any face-time constantly.**

**Mind you, he's not "turning" her into anything, that he asked her has more to do with the fact that he's gotten to know her well, he certainly doesn't see her "fit now" to be "presented" or something similar.**

* * *

**85: Sigh**

I don't have much time to prepare, but I don't need more. Dress, make-up, and I eagerly await his arrival.

At the door, he halts a moment to take me in, appreciatively. I beam.

"Can I still kiss you, or does that ruin hours of work?" he jokes, his hand already at my neck.

"You can always kiss me," I confide, and am happy that he does, and hopefully misses the steep blush holding my cheeks captive.

We part, we leave, he briefly fills me in on the people we will dine with. I only hear half of it.

Sigh.


	86. V & A

**Thank you! **

* * *

**86: V & A**

I'm the only woman at the table, and for a while that makes me uneasy. Only when he squeezes my knee underneath the table cloth do I make an effort to join the small talk. His smile makes me positively gush.

Before dessert he leans close to me, but instead of whispering, he simply hands me a small bag, seemingly for toiletries.

I eagerly excuse myself.

Inside, there are two remote controlled vibrating eggs, one labeled, 'V', the other, 'A' - instructions not included, but also not required. Using the sachet of lube, I put them in, but uneasily so.


	87. Happy land

**Thank you all for your wonderful comments! Sorry that I've been MIA for a couple of days, but if you've known me for a while you might have noticed my adverse reaction to two days of the year, mainly Christmas and my birthday (both for the same and completely unrelated reason), and now that I've crawled back out of my pity party for one hole, let's get on with this stuff! (and please let me tell you, this is NOT my way of fishing for well wishes, I would really like to pretend that I could just delete that 'special' day from the calender. I tried to do that with facebook this year, but that didn't work out so well. Just an explanation for my weird behavior and another week off posting, that's all. Nothing to see here folks, let's move on!)**

**Hope you all have a great Wednesday!**

* * *

**87: Happy land**

All too soon, my discomfort finds a worthy cause.

In theory, sitting at a table while my nether regions turn into a buzzing happy land, and we are the only people who know, might sound enticing.

In reality, I feel anything but aroused when my face is obviously flushed, my manner of speech hampered, my focus gone.

The pleading look I send him goes ignored.

Feeling petty, I ignore his directive in turn, and mutely suffer my lot.

The dinner still is a success, from what I can tell, but our drive home is filled with strained silence and reproach.

* * *

**Edited/added to say: Think of a safe word like an emergency brake. It's not a "I whine and would like something else" brake. Thanks! :)**


	88. Ding

**Thank you!**

**Everyone who asked why she didn't use her safeword - and/or otherwise enjoys my ramblings - should check out the blog post I wrote last night - dariachenowith dot blogspot dot com (link also in my profile). Unless you want to discuss the topic with me privately (which I enjoy very much) this will be the last thing I'm saying about this.**

* * *

**88: Ding**

I'm not surprised when he drives straight home, without dropping me off. It is Friday night, and we obviously have business to discuss.

I realize I'm not the only childish one involved when he turns both vibrators up to full speed as soon as we step into the elevator.

I fight my impending orgasm with everything I have - phone numbers, square root calculations, dead presidents - but my body betrays me in sync with the arriving 'ding.'

And no, I haven't asked for permission.

He more drags than leads me into his apartment, the door falls shut ominously.


	89. Incentive

**Thank you!**

**With this early update I'm off to the wonderful city of Prague, see you again on Monday!**

* * *

**89: Incentive**

He's fuming, but so am I, and we start shouting.

Him - "What the fuck?"

Me - "How dare you do this to me!"

His lack of eloquence makes me pause, same as accusation does for him. I feel myself falter, so I push on, lest I lose my incentive prematurely.

"I trust you to keep me safe and sane! Why do you embarrass me like that in front of people you obviously hold in high regard? Only to prove the lack of the same for me?"

He stares at me, openmouthed, then does the one thing unexpected - he kisses me.


	90. Never

**Thank you!**

**Like so often, I decided I didn't like 'version 1', so I'm going to change some of what is up ahead; consequently, I can't tell you how many chapters this drabble is going to be when complete, but likely more than the previous 135.**

* * *

**90: Never**

He has kissed me before, but not like this. Never like this.

There's only heat and passion, no control, no measure - and I instinctively respond.

Never have I touched him without direction, but now I can't get enough of him. But we don't explore, we go straight to business, tearing, shoving, pushing, pulling - and I'm still wearing my heels as he fucks me against the door, the stupid eggs discarded on the floor.

He comes first, but finishes me off with his fingers, his mouth swallowing my every cry.

And then, we just stare at each other, gasping.


	91. Tonight

**Thank you! You continue to amaze me with your support!**

* * *

**91: Tonight**

He blinks, then smiles, and runs a tender finger down my cheek as he kisses me softly.

I feel myself smile in return, and not just with my face, but also with my heart.

We pick up our haphazardly discarded clothes, trot into the bedroom, and seamlessly proceed with an encore, although a more moderately paced one.

Tonight, he doesn't call me a cab, but instead pulls me along into the shower, and back under the covers with him.

It is the first night I spend in his apartment, and I don't think I sleep a single second of it.


End file.
